Sometimes I get angry. Very angry. It is terrible. I explode, scream, cry. It’s like I am swamped by my own emotions, and my usual cheery and calm self has shut down, unable to regain control.

The “angry” time bomb

I would love to say it doesn’t happen that often, but it does. Actually, it happens at least once a month, sometimes more frequently. Usually, it follows a pattern: several individual things that make me somewhat unhappy or stress me happen in quick succession, my anger and resentment builds and builds, and then boom! Each issue by itself is harmless enough, and if the triggers would be spaced further apart all would be well. I mean, I will not explode just because I dropped a plate, or because I am late for an appointment. Neither will I lose control over Bubsi dropping food for the 10th time that day, or Papa is home late from work. Though it irks me, I can usually shrug off uncalled for criticism of my parenting style or looks or whatever by people I meet on the street. Individually, these things are annoying. Happening one after the other in a span of hours, they are a recipe for disaster.

Stuart gets sad when I get angry

Papa takes the toll – at random times

The tough part is that it is impossible to anticipate when the “anger explosion” will happen. Dealing well with each little annoyance and stress factor on the way slowly erodes my coping capabilities until any additional thing will set me off. And as I try at all costs not to explode at Bubsi, it usually is something Papa does or says that makes it happen. It is terrible for him. Not knowing whether forgetting to brush Bubsi’s hair one morning will make me throw a tantrum. Because depending on how the last 24 hours went for me, I might just do that. Or I just happily brush them myself. Luck of the draw. Even if Papa is not the culprit, but say an ill-timed call by a relative: Papa pays. This is because I only let anger take over when Papa is home. So Bubsi is safe at all times. Also, so someone can comfort me. But it is asking a lot of Papa, and a big test for our relationship. Luckily, we love each other very much.

Social anxiety and anger

Back when I still lived in Germany, I regularly saw a psychologist. Mainly because I was so afraid of myself and my random quasi-violent outbursts. It turned out that I suffer from social anxiety disorder, which is the root cause of the anger explosions. Wanting to appear perfectly happy and calm to other people, even close friends and family, at all times is… doomed to fail from the outset. Anger explosions happened whenever my carefully crafted facade crumbled. My psychologist and I worked on setting more realistic expectations of myself, and practiced failing in public.What helped most was the realization that negative feelings, like anger, sadness, or annoyance, are normal. Always cheery, happy, forgiving, and calm is not. But since I have spent the first 25 years of my life suppressing my negative emotions because they are “bad” and I want to be a “good girl”, I now find myself having to learn how to accept, communicate, and deal with my negative feelings from scratch.In truth, I have come far on the way, but not far enough. Anger explosions still happen. They are shorter, and generally more harmless. However, they are also more frequent, as I am allowing myself to experience my negative emotions. Deep down I know I am healing. Just all the people who were used to an always happy me are in for quite an adjustment.  Especially poor Papa is in for a long ride.